had a really good work out day today, and then ate really well UNTIL I ate some pretzels and a healthy poptart thing. I don’t know how to beat cravings with carrots or celery or shit like that. Day by day though, Mel. Day by day.
I also broke down and cried today because I kept remembering things like his hands and his kisses and how much he loved me. In particular, this time we watched American Beauty in his dorm room and he got me wine and cheese (my favorite). He was so good to me and I was just shit most of the time because I’m so fucked up in the head. I love him so much and just want to love him. I want my brain to shut down and I want to just love him wholly. Him and my family and friends. I don’t want to be plagued with these terrible thoughts anymore than none of my friends or family can understand. That sucks the most. But I really need to start seeing someone and figure out how to talk and get over my intense fear and loneliness. It will happen, it just takes time.
currently: eating carrots, watching the office, and reading The Graduate. pretty freaking content BESIDES the fact that I want to be eating pretzels and everything else unhealthy.
This is Day 1 of my Scarsdale Diet-lets see if I can do it! (I think I can, I think I can!)
I’m talking with Brock later about what he said to me the other day. It was not OK and I don’t really want to rehash it but he was a complete and total asshole to me. He was selfish and I really hope that he can realize that and apologize and NOT make it about himself. Crossing my fingers.
Alright, off to go relax some more. stop thinking so much Melody! All will be well!
so I haven’t done really much to make myself happy. I feel like I’ve been falling into my old habits. I do miss Drew and I realize it would just make everything easier if he were here with me. I don’t miss him all day though which is good, I miss him when I get home and when I’m alone in my room. Of course when I’m alone, but I really do miss him. I need to continue to rid my life of negative energy. I need to start taking yoga and eating well. That is the bottom line-once I feel good and have a schedule I know that I will feel so much better about myself and my life. I also need to start seeing someone desperately. That is my goal for this week-to motivate and get up the courage to make a decision on seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist very soon. I need someone to help me work my brain out. I also need to keep in better touch with my family-call my Meema and Sammy, call my sisters, call my parents. I really miss them a ton and want to be better not only for myself but for them. They deserve that. They give me so much in my life to be thankful and happy for, I just really need to open my eyes and start giving back to them. I think the biggest gift I could give them would be to get a job on my own, do incredibly well this semester, and be happy. I think that is all they want. A happy, healthy Melody who can stick to things and keep promises.
Maybe I’ll start the Scarsdale diet tomorrow, I think that would work really well to jump start me onto a routine, give me the confidence to start something and finish it on my own. Also, no drinking. NO NO NO.
all will be well. even if the process is slow, it will pay off :)
I just totally lamed out and called drew. I feel like an idiot and could tell he was annoyed-but I’m sorry, I love him. I could think about stupid boys but at the end of the day I want drew’s arms around me. I know that sounds wicked cliche, and I’m glad no one is reading this because they would probably think I was mad stupid. I love him, I do. There is a reason why I think of him before I go to bed, when I wake up. Yeah, I think about random stupid guys sometimes, but it’s just because I’m bored, right?
It’s also really hard to have people falling in love around you. Really hard. I want to be happy, and I am, just get really sad sometimes. Which is lame. But I’ll get over it.
I had a great time at my friend Natasha’s-we drank, ate Domino’s Pizza, and talked. Even though it was stupid talk about class it was still great. I need nights like that.
I just miss him so much when I come home. It’s the absolute worst.
I’m gonna go watch Our Idiot Brother and try to be happy. It’s ok.
I know someone out there loves me. I know someone wants this all to work out.
also, follow blogs that will teach you about the world. learn about things. Spend less time looking at pictures of hot guys and material things and learn about life and what is around you. That’s why they created the internet anyway, right?
I just took a break from my boyfriend of 5 years today. Whoa. I’ve been unhappy and crying for so long, it feels good to finally take a step back and see what was going on. It’s not that I don’t love him its the fact that I just keep getting distracted by other people in my life-people that aren’t good people, things that aren’t good things. I really need to focus on being happy-something I really have never done. Be truly happy and at peace with myself. I just want to be calm and relaxed and okay with the decisions I make. I want to love him with all of my being, but not need him. I want to have him in my life, make him a priority because I want to, not because I feel obligated. I want to love and not lie, be real and great. I want to love my work in school, I want to figure out my summer life, I want to make the other people in my life happy as well. I want to be motivated and strong. I want to commit to something, make a schedule and stick to it. I know these are things I can do, I just have to do them.
I need to:
work out more-yoga, meditation, dance classes, everything I can to feel and look healthy
see someone-whether it be a psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist, I need to figure this shit out and I need to ask for help
eat well-less shit food, more healthy food. End of story
sleep more-I need to rest my brain at night. I can go crazy with that.
not be dependent on others-I need to make my own life, be kind to people, love all.
I need to forgive myself. I am not who I was yesterday, I am who I am today. That is it. No one else.
This is going to be my first constant. write everyday Mel, you need this. Allow yourself this.